I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
