Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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