good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
