fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
