I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
