I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
40s are totally the cure
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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