Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize