ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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