You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
