i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
