Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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