Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
