Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
