I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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