I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
