Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
