I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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