my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
