nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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