I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
