Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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