So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
