Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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