I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
