Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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