When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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