We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
