she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
