You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
