May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
