Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
