Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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