I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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