totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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