theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
