I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
