Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
being pregnant is like rehab
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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