Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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