we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
