Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
