im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
