i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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