This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
