You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
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Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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