look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
