How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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