She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
