I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize