you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub