Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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