Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
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she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..