the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
