Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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