Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
