I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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