How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
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I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
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The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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