I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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