considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
