I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
it was like his penis was on wheels.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
