Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
