i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
