What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
