I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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