Who did Billy Mays play for?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
