she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
